Wild Horses

"Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too..."
(By Natasha Bedingfield)

I absolutely love this song and find myself longing to have the freedom of a wild horse. Running free in the wild with not a care or worry in the world. Facing my fears without holding back, not worrying about what others will think of me. Perhaps that is why I always took to horseback riding. I wanted to get so good that I could just go and go...and not turn around for hours. Just keep riding, letting the horse be my guide.

If only I could allow myself to be like that with life.

Where does time go?

People always said that the older I got, the faster life would fly right by me. I scoffed at them for years. Now, I find myself looking in the mirror, nearing 30 and nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But, that is how life goes right? Ever changing, ever flowing, whether we like it or not.

My baby brother, who is taller than me and mature beyond his years, graduates in 2 weeks from high school. He and his girlfriend (that I absolutely adore) over attending their last Prom as I write these words. It makes me very nostalgic and think about the past and who I was at 17, attending my senior Prom. I barely recognize that girl...shy, few friends, not outspoken, scared of life. So much has changed in the past 11 years...and so much of me has changed as well.

I said in a previous post that I would occasionally share poetry that I have written over the years. So, here is one of my personal favorites from 2009.

"Bright blue eyes sparkle from tears that threaten to spill over
Circles under her eyes add years to her youthful spirit
A forced smile, caught by some, still lights up a room
Every step is taken with caution as though it may be her last
Every word is chosen carefully to ensure her intent is heard
Her heart is deeply hidden, far away from those who surround her
The scars run deep, some to the very core of her soul
Most are afraid, intimidated, they run from her
Those who get to know her, fear what they find
Forgetting what they hear, pretend they never knew
She continues on, through her walk of life
Mostly alone, mostly hiding from those who cause her pain
The forced smile continues, unnoticed by most around her
Yet brightening the lives of all around her
The circles add years that do not yet exist
The tears begin to fade, along with the sparkle in her big blue eyes"

Written by yours truly.

It's been a while...

It sure has been hard for me to get the hang of this blogging thing. Perhaps I am too busy or perhaps it just does not do it for me. Yet, here I sit late on a Sunday night trying again. So, here goes! =)

Update:
I moved a couple of months ago out to the sticks of the Antelope Valley. It is pretty nice out here minus the huge increase in wind and dust. lol. But, the increase in yard and quiet helps make it worthwhile. My dogs love it out here too, especially Otto who now gets to run free and chase birds and squirrels all day long. haha. I also do not have a dog door now so the kitties get to have full roaming privileges in the house.

Things at work are the same, they never really slow down! But that is the way it is at the City.

Jason and I have now been together for a year, man how time flies! It has been a very wonderful and trying year. He got laid off in November and has not been able to find work since. The economy sucks in Cali and does not look like it is going to get any better anytime soon. Sigh. But despite it all, we are still together and going strong. He is a wonderful man.

Other than that, it is business as usual. I should be starting my PhD program in psych in the Fall. So, life as I know it will be over then! =)

That's all for now folks.

Poems

I have written many poems over the years, however, the past couple of years the poems have gotten deeper and more intense. Over time I will share these starting today with "Life is a Dance" written September 6, 2008.

My life is a dance, continually sweeping from one side of the stage to the next with the music changing drastically from one moment to the next.

All the while, my heart is feeling stretched beyond it’s limit, unable to heal between songs. Pieces have been ripped out and torn and I search for their replacements.

Old wounds that just healed tear open once again, turning into fleshy, bleeding, open wounds with not enough bandages to cover the sores.

Some grab pieces and run away, never looking back or returning. Those are the pieces that are never replaced or filled.

Trust

Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem." This is also true for those who are close to you and break that trust. When a trust that has been held for 18 years is broken, shattered, obliterated...that is trust that can never be regained. Unfortunately this also usually results in a lack of trust for all other people in one's life.

Nine months into 2009

It has been a very long nine months with many twists and turns, most unexpected. The best way to handle so many things occurring at once, is through writing. Through this blog I will share past writings and ongoing thoughts, as well as photos that I have taken that either portray my feelings or just are a favorite. I hope you enjoy them, feel free to comment.